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Wednesday, December 14, 2016


Ever thinking, ever watching, trying to maintain peace and not offend.  For years, I worked to stay out of the way and stay behind the scenes. "Maybe if I stay quiet, I can stay in the shadows". LIke a solider that comes home from war and battles PTSD. Locking myself inside my 'safe' place. Not realizing that the walls that I thought were protecting me were the very things suffocating me.  Closing in, getting smaller, claustrophobic dreams and visions while standing out in the open.

Now that the walls have been pushed my watch and think are of the things of tomorrow. The inward desires that are expressed outwardly as jokes are coming back. The true passions and desires of my heart and being released to me, and He's not just letting me know that they are being done, He's opening the veil and allowing me to watch. I feel like I'm standing in the holies waiting to walk into my next phase, but I'm being allowed a glimpse of the greatness to come.  Like a child waiting for Christmas, I'm supposed to be asleep, but I can't help but peek behind my bedroom door to see the splendor that awaits me.  But I get caught, and instead of being chastised for not being asleep, He pretends I'm not there, just long enough for me to watch.  I still have to wait until the morning to open everything, but the excitement of being able to see everything all wrapped up and every single one has my name on it keeps me from being able to sleep.

My sleepless nights are no longer because of fear, but of anticipation.  My heart beat increases out of excitement, and no longer fear.  I keep hearing "It's time! It's time!". I can see the sun starting to shine outside my bedroom window. Morning is on the way.

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Random Thoughts

There are 2 sides to me. The outside that everyone sees, and the inner part of me that's still trying to decide who and what she's ready to be.  My soul is bruised to the core...the wounds have healed, but the remnants of the scars are trying to ache. All by holding onto the things inside.  I've resorted to licking my own wounds.

(My God!)

Where Is Your Dirt (Bible Study Lesson)

I knew about this day for quite a while now, but it seemed like I couldn't figure out what I was going to teach about. So one evening, I was sitting at my boyfriend’s at the time and asked the boys what I should teach about. I walked over to the counter and saw a plaque that he earned. Now I've read this plaque I don't knowhow many times, but this time it read completely different. And on the plaque, the award is for being the "Man/Person In The Arena".

So, my question to you today is "Where's Your Dirt?"

So when you think of something that's dirty, you think of something messed up and smelly. (Furniture, clothes, dishes, kids that smell out like "outside")

Not only are those things true, but things that are dirty are also things that are shown to be valuable, useful, a sign of potential success. 

(example) A clean jersey in a championship game

Yeah, your team may have won and you got the ring, but did you earn it? Did you put forth the effort to get in the game?

What if I told you that we were created for the dirt. For its in the dirt that life begins and miracles happen

Adam and Eve - Came from dirt 
Blind man  - Spit in the dirt
Woman at the well - wrote in the dirt

People that garden are on their hands and knees in the dirt and in the mud, to create the beauty of their garden. They have to get their hands and their clothes dirty to bring forth the life that they're working to create. 

1 Corinthians 3:6-8
6 I have planted, Apollos watered; but God gave the increase.
So then neither is he that planteth any thing, neither he that watereth; but God that giveth the increase.
Now he that planteth and he that watereth are one: and every man shall receive his own reward according to his own labour.

While the planting may be the lesser of the job, how can God water if there’s nothing to plant?

We want to be these dynamic people of God that draws the multitudes, but we only want to “rub shoulders with our kind”. We treat Christianity like it’s this exclusive club of socialites, and then we wonder why the church won’t grow. 

We're a people that admire and pick fun at (guilty a charged) the people that peach on the corners or go to the bars to convert people, but then we wonder how some of the people that were converted out of those bars became that way. 

Not saying that being out on the corner and in the bar and in prison is for everybody, I believe that there are people that have been given that calling. But it’s the Holy Boldness that they have that we all need to develop.  

We’re in a society where the church is constantly scrutinized and made out to be weak (movies, tv shows) and hyper critical (radial “christians”) to the point where people are turning away from the church in droves.  I know what the Word says about the last days and how people will be lovers of their own selves 

2 Timothy 3:1-7
1 This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come.
For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy,
Without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good,
Traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God;
Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: from such turn away.
For of this sort are they which creep into houses, and lead captive silly women laden with sins, led away with divers lusts,
Ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth.

but instead of going out to combat the issue, we sit in our 4 walls and critique and talk about what a shame it is at the affairs of the world. 

Instead of being a catalyst for change, we’ve become mere spectators. Bystander apathy is the Psychological term. When multiple people see what’s going on, but assume that someone else is going to make the 911 call, or don’t call because they don’t want to “get in the middle”. But isn’t that our charge?

Matthew 10: 5-8
These twelve Jesus sent forth, and commanded them, saying, Go not into the way of the Gentiles, and into any city of the Samaritans enter ye not:
But go rather to the lost sheep of the house of Israel.
And as ye go, preach, saying, The kingdom of heaven is at hand.
Heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, raise the dead, cast out devils: freely ye have received, freely give.

The sick, dead, and lost are the dirty. And in order to reach them, we have to get down to where they are. We can’t be so concerned about our own reputation, that we forgo our purpose.  We want the “washed whiter than snow” to be now instead of how the Word promises it to be, which is in heaven.

 (Overcome by the Blood of the lamb and by the Word of our testimony)

What do you think your testimony is?

You can't overcome if you can't endure/go through 

(And when thou are converted, strengthen your brethren)

Our drawing power is our experience. The things we hide from, the things we try to ignore don't exist, the things that changed who we are. 

But we want to lock it away into the trap doors and smoke mirrors of our heart, so we can clean up like the church elders with our pristine white suits. 

Masterpiece (Bible Study Lesson)

I’m discovering the many different ways and things that the Lord uses to speak to you. But one thing is for certain is that when He does, it’s undeniable.  

I had like 3 weeks to prepare for this and the whole time I’m like “ok Lord, feel free to drop somethin on me at any moment” “I’m right here, ears open”, thinking maybe if I drop the bible and see where it opens I’ll get somethin.  LOL. I’m listening to other people’s messages intently, looking for the lightening to strike in the sky or the sun beam of epiphany on what to teach on came, but of course it didn’t work that way. 

It wasn’t until this past Sunday that it hit me. And it was while I was out driving. Apostle Rankin preached a great Word and talked about a “Spiritual DUI (Spiritually Dying Under The Influence), and while I was able to relate to a lot of the issues and things that he talked about, at the same time I felt like “well, Lord, I thank You for delivering me and helping me to not have issues in those areas anymore”. I’ve grown and moved past some of those things and now I’m stronger because of it.  I felt good about myself.

And I’m sure the Lord was like “awwww, my daughter is to precious and delusional. (like we look at our children try to do something that we know good and doggone well that they aren’t big enough to do yet) Let me show her where she really is”

So while riding back to my boyfriend's (at the time) house (I’m finding that he seems to be a common denominator in the last few of my lessons lol), I was having a little moment and realizing that I’m still not “all the way there” in some of those things that I thought I was good in. I ate real good and thought I was full, but I’m finding that I still have some “empty pockets left in my spiritual stomach, that can get some more food into”. And while I’m having my little pity party by myself (cause the kids were asleep) trying not to cry, I said to myself “you know, I just want to have a drink and go to sleep.” Knowing that the alcohol settles in and makes you sleep a little heavier. (transparent moment). 

It was then that the Lord spoke (He speaks to me like I do Him. My inquisitive nature and always wondering how and why is exactly how He gut punches me back), and He said to me “Why are you trying to fix your broken pieces with Elmer’s glue? The same fire that it took to mold you is the same fire that it takes to fix/repair you.”

So like i said, I was having my pity party and I was immediately condemned. But in such a loving and “come on now” way. He didn’t ask me the question really harsh, but it sounded like a frustrated parent’s “why are you doing that” kinda way.

Isaiah 64:4-11 KJV/MSG

(KJV) verse 5: “in all thy ways acknowledge Him”

(KVJ)  verse 6: Definition of Iniquity

Message Version

(MSG) verse 5: Sin-infected - puss filled infection (Facebook post about infection in leg) - not just puss but odorous puss. 

(MSG) verse 8: “Still, God”

(MSG) verse 10: Jerusalem, Zion represent the lands of miracles and feasts, but when we don’t move in Him, those areas dry up and look like spiritual deserts

Now going back to the KJV, it used the word “Iniquities” a few times. 

When I used to think of iniquity, I only thought of sin. But I said, alright Lord, if this is what you’re giving me, there has to be more.

But if you really take the time to think about the term “grossly unfair behavior”, isn’t apprehension unfair? Isn’t the “I got it, I’m good, I’ll work it out” thought process unfair? 

So it’s not just in our major “big sin” actions that we are unfair to God. How are we going to allow the Word to manifest itself, if we don’t allow Him to do the work that’s in His word.

“small foxes that ruin the vine” 

It’s easy to stop with the things that we consider big. But it’s those small inward things that we think “oh this won’t hurt anybody. I’ll just deal with this by myself” that make or break our next move in Him.

The Lord is saying: How dare you have the nerve to hold back, when I told you that you were free.  (Ouch to my own self)

We’ve been put in a position to facilitate a catalytic shift, but our lands are dry and barren. We’re allowing our (my) own issues to get into the way of who and what we’re called to be.

Have you ever taken pottery or taken the time to see how a ball of clay turns into a finished product. And i find it ironic that He used the example of a ceramic vase to me.  

(the clay is molded to it’s form and has to be glazed or coated and then put into the fire to be solidified and ready for use.  Without the fire,  the clay is not able to be used because it’s not sturdy enough to hold whatever it needs to hold, even after it’s dried. The form will just crumble when it dries. But when it’s put into the fire, the composition changes and solidifies to a completely new from or matter)

But the vase was shattered with the attempt to be repaired. But you could still see the holes of where the small pieces were still missing.  But inside those holes, were beams of light. (The Lord uses a lot of visual elements of examples with me)

You can re-fire a single piece as much as 10 or more times (if done properly).

The vase is us with the broken pieces and areas of our lives.  We have the opportunity to hold something so amazing and so beautiful, but because of our holes and cracks, our anointing is just seeping out at the sides. When a vase is cracked, we may throw it away, instead of throwing it a way, a potter knows how to correct it and has the tools to repair it properly. The potter knows just how much glaze and just how much fire and heat is needed to fix the item. Or if it needs to be broken down and shaped into something else.  

“The Potter’s House” (Walter and Tramaine Hawkins)
The song says “Give Him the fragments of your broken life” (I always thought it said “He’ll heal the fragments of your broken life lol) That thing just had some serious new meaning to me with this lesson. 

Saying all of that to say, while we feel like we are well and capable to working through our own issues and situations, it’s not ours to fix. Loose and let go of the things that you’re holding on to. (closed mouths don’t eat and closed hands/hearts don’t get help)We are sooooo much more than what we’ve been through. But we are holding onto our issues and insecurities (myself too) like it’s who we are. When God is saying “that’s not who you are, it’s merely what you had to go through to get you to this point. Every tear and every thing you’ve experienced/witnessed was simply a brick to add to your foundation. It’s some more roots for your tree.”


Lyrics to song

In case you have fallen by the wayside of life
Dreams and visions shattered, You're all broken inside.
You don't have to stay in the shape that you're in
The potter wants to put you back together again,
Oh, the potter wants to put you back together again.

In case your situation has turned upside down,
And all that you've accomplished, is now on the ground.
You don't have to stay in the shape that you're in
The potter wants to put you back together again,
Oh, the potter wants to put you back together again.

You who are broken, stop by the potter's house.
You who need mending, stop by the potter's house
Give Him the fragments of your broken life,
My friend, the potter wants to put you back together again,
Oh, the potter wants to put you back together again

Joy in the potter's house.

Peace in the potter's house.

Love in the potter's house.

There is salvation in the potter's house.

There is healing in the potter's house.

There is deliverance in the potter's house.

You'll find everything you need in the potter's house.

The potter wants to put you back together again,
Oh, the potter wants to put you back together again.

Will You Trust Your History, Or Will Your Gut/God (Bible Study Lesson)

Initially I was going a different route entirely
*Father of Lights -Netflix
*Darren Wilson

That drive to work 
*The Bible Experience
*Acts 27
*Evangelist Lee sermon 
  -jokes about taking notes
  -already in my notes
  -tried to take notes, but hit delete right after he accident

Acts 27 and 28
*jumping around a little

While reading/listening the Lord gave me a few things and then a drive that there was something else to the story 
*hidden treasures
*listened to and then read in 3 different versions
*real life, in my face examples
*speaking while I was working
  -seemed everywhere until I wrote everything out

The man of God talked about the man who's daughter was sick unto death
*how everyone is blessed by what you've been praying for
*struck a nerve
*that night and the following day (in subsequent conversation) is when subject came 

We all know history repeats itself
*fashion trends
*new generation bringing back "old ways"

Because we rehearse history so much, we set an expectation and precept for everything in our life 
*compartmentalize in a cute box
*cookie cutter syndrome
*Stepford Wives

It causes us to put limitations on our own capabilities and everything according to God
*He's only able to do according to the extent that I can fathom based on experience
*radical prophets/evangelists/saints 
  -Doug Addison-prophet-tattoos
  -Todd White-evangelist-healing on the spot 

These guys test the boundaries of "Christianity" and faith

We're taught that we can't go into certain areas to profess the Lord because it's "out of place" or a taboo area 
*all because of history and what is told is acceptable 

Jesus wasn't "acceptable" and challenged His disciples and everyone after Him to do the same
*challenging us
*youth of today for Christ-boldness

Even taking it back to the book of Acts
*Paul told them it would be great loss
  -history with ships
*captain of the ship was the initial faith holder
  -they'll be fine

Destinations of the ship
*trying to find some kind of land
*worse storm got, worse people got

The Lord was telling us the outcome the entire time

Verse 16: the ship docked on "Clauda" to try to repair the ship
*only time word is mentioned

No direct meaning but 2 derivatives
  1. Claudico-to limp or to be lame; to halt; waver; be wanting; incomplete or defective (specifically relating to physical infirmity that makes a person limp or lame all together)
  2. Claudo-to limp; to shut something that was open; to close

How many have reached those islands in life
*situations, relationships, jobs, education 

Get to these places for a way or escape or opportunity to start something new and meet nothing but carnage and blockage
*we see the door closing
*hot stove
*falling off of horses or bikes and water problems

Relationship with Bedford I tried to work out
*failed repeatedly
*hit the altar to find out why (we love each other, what's the issue)
*"it's simply not time yet"
*try to force things to happen when it's simply not time

People tried to make rafts to get off the island
*where were they gonna survive to go in that kinda storm on a raft

Verse 23: back to the water and purged everything that provided their own provision
*left with nothing (no food, clothes, etc)
  -Paul tells them about the angel of the Lord reassuring that all will be well

History has already shown what's gonna happen to me
*nothing tangible to rely on
*broken ship, middle of nowhere, storm
*no food or will to live

I'm bout to die!

The Lord had them right where He needed them
*you hear what's being said, but it makes you angry because all you can see it water and a ship that's barely holdin on
*mu situation shows I'm gonna die and God is saying "Trust me"

The kids and moving in together example 

He knew that land was just a little ways away
*fishers who toiled all night-other side
*men that dig the holes that the enemy took over-dig again
*job you applied for a few times and you were denied
*back to school-didn't do so hot

Some of those "failures" were God just saying "it's not time just yet"

Being released into a new dispensation of time
*you feel it in your spirit
*that failure is fighting your decision to move

Are you gonna trust the defeats of your history, or are you gonna listen to what the spirit of God is welling up inside

Are you gonna let history shut up your giftings?
*your gift will make room for you
  -but when the room is made, will you occupy the space or will you let someone else do the thing you were called to do


The Lord is showing us the change of dispensation by the things we're experiencing now
*ease of frustrated petitions.   
  -lunch, OT, cars, health, beauty

We want signs and wonders in this big grand fashion, because we think that's the only way to prove that it's God
*ignoring the small victories 
  -migraine study

Those "small" heart/soul cry answers are showing so much more than the grand gestures
*things you didn't tell anybody about, but it's done

God wants to heal you EVERYWHERE you hurt
*not just the areas that other people can see
  -those are the easy things to give
*inner battles are what we shelter because of that history
  -He wants those even more

The man of God also talked about people being blessed on the way to your blessing
*can you accept it when it comes
*does God have to strip you first before you can let history go and be able to receive

History says "it's been this long, it must be a no"
*history says they ain't bout nothin

All the whole, your spirit it tugging on you like Tyson when he has to pee
*dire importance that you pay attention

God is tugging, trying to tell you that it's time in some areas of your life
*accept (and announce) the call
*start school
*take the job

Don't let your past drown out the success in your future

Last thing
*catalyst for whole lesson
*been so stuck on 27, that we forget there's a 28

Everybody survived ad made it to the shore of an island

Name of island is "Melita" (KJV) or "Malta" (NIV, Message)
*means "Affording honey"

Surviving the storm was only part of the story
*staying together
  -any deviation would have killed them all
*New beginnings was a land that assured blessings and miracles

Barbarians showed "unusual kindness" to them everywhere they went

Had to be transfigured before we could experience our new beginning

Welcome to Your New Beginning

Day One

They finally opened the doors and let me out. When they opened, I swear it was like the weirdest feeling in the world. I was almost afraid to walk out.  But now that I’m standing here, with the rays of the sun on my face, I think I’m ok.  Man, the sunlight feels so off on my face.  I’m been locked up for so many years, man.  I only got to see the outside from the inside of those walls. Not able to feel the rays and the warmth on my skin.  It’s almost like I can feel each ray on my skin. My skin is tingling from the heat. My face and my arms, all feel something so amazing.  Every tingle and piece of warmth, is reminding me of how this freedom feels.  For years I walked back and forth in that room. For years I talked to the walls and sat with my own thoughts and fears and emotions.  For years, I tried to figure out and escape plan, not sure how if I was even bold enough to try to do it.  I sat in that room for so long that I the days, months, and years blended together. I had no idea how long I was in there.  I slept during the day and I slept during the night. Who knows for how long.  So now that I’m standing on the outside, I don’t know how i feel.  One on end, I’m feeling every element of my freedom But at the same time, I’m feeling like a legitimate career inmate…I’ve been in for so long, that I don’t know anything other than that confinement.  I have to learn how to be free for the first time in my life.  I have to learn how to live as a person instead of an inmate.  I have to learn how to interact with people.  People that looked like the warden. People that remind me of the warden.  I have to be able to look at them and not immediately get defensive. I have to look at them and deal with them like an adult, and not a scared or angry little girl.  Freedom is amazing and scary.  I need new skills, new conversation, a new life.  Everything about me has to be different from this point forward.  How do I do this thing?