Love Unconditional

Very seldom does one come across a love that transcends time. A love that makes every day of life worth living just that much more and yet causes a standstill every time it's voice is heard.  I met this love once before; met it in the oddest of places. It wasn't that ordinary love: you know the one that last but eventually runs cold like the end of a bright candlestick. It was ironic love that was dreamed of as a little girl.

I remember thinking to myself, there's no way this can be genuine, but time has proven again and again, and is continuing to prove it to be just as genuine as I've imagined.  The drawing power of this love has kept me coming back in a way that I can't describe. The metaphor of a moth to a flame has nothing on the pull that this love and I share. 

Verbally never spoken, but the feeling very much understood. This love is something amazing.  It consumes my thoughts, feelings, and emotions; right down to the very core of my being.  It shatters any doubts or insecurities that I could ever have, for I know that if I have no other love in life, that this love that I now have, will always be a part of me.

I miss...

Your smile, your touch, your hugs, and your kiss...the look in your eye when you tell me I'm beautiful, and being the one your heart longs for. I miss your passion and your love. The way your fingers graze across the keys ever so lightly when your deep in thought. I miss the good morning text messages and the ones to say good night. How your nostrils flare when your thinking too hard or frustrated. I miss your drive and dedication. I miss fussing about how much you work but inwardly admiring your ethic. I miss sitting up at night on the phone or computer blushing at the way you smile. And waking up the next morning with the biggest smile at the mere thought of your name. I miss the butterflies in my stomach when I know you'll be near and the smile that creeps at the corner of my lips when I hear your name. I miss your strength and the authoritative way you speak. Your encouraging words and you making me go to sleep (lol). I miss the silly conversations that seem to never end, and feeling the nervous excitement like a teenager when your ringtone rings. I miss the talks of the future and all that it would bring. Looking back through the years thinking this man is the answer to my dreams. I miss glancing to my left and seeing you stare back at me. Making my cheeks blush because I know that just for a moment, I'm all that you see.

You Win

You aren't close to me yet, but you've already invaded my personal space. The mere thought of you is with me. And it must be the vividness of my imagination that's playing tricks on me.  Making me want you. The wind blows and I feel the caress of your lips on my neck. I can hear the memory of your voice whispering in my ear. How in the world is this possible? You aren't supposed to have this kind of effect on me...but then again I guess you are. Lord have mercy! What have you done to me sir. Time has brought us closer. No longer do I have the safety of the ocean separating us...your here, we're here, face to face, only minutes apart from one another. You've distracted me from my daily routine, but I love it. I love waking up and smiling at the thought of your thoughts of me. Giddy like a high school girl whose fallen in love for the first time. And yet having the yearning of a woman in need. As much as I shouldn't, I crave you. You've turned that emotional valve on full force and now I can't help myself. I called myself not letting myself go and keepin my cool, but you got me. You got me right where you want me. You win. LOL.

Untitled part 2

As time and space draw closer, my heart grows with anticipation at what the potential outcome will be. Will you take a bow and ask my hand, or will the past rear it's head long enough to deter. It's like I'm straddling a fence trying to decide which side to get down on, but the decision on which side to move isn't mine. I'm waiting on "him" to make his grand entrance back into my life and choose the next course. Never would have imagined to see this day again. I chalked it up to another lesson learned. One of those things that I just "don't talk about" because it still hurts too much. But to see things revolve again and return full circle has me nervous and excited at the same time. Time is the only true storyteller right now. So we shall see...

Pregnant (the Prelude to Gemini Battle)

It’s been so long and I’ve become so full. Full of thoughts, emotions, complexities that even I don’t comprehend. I haven’t written since August of 2009. And when I wrote, I wrote with the intent to fully open myself up and allow myself to be what was desired of me to be for that person. But something happened and it was never given. And even that burdens, every time I see it. Knowing what the goal objective was. Now I sit, full, and flooded with my own emotions. I feel as though I’m with child. As time progressed the pregnancy of emotions continued to grow and flourish. Watching it grow as each month goes by. Watching the body of life change for me. Each month showing more and more. And every time I look at that piece I feed the baby. Every time I think about it I emotionally rub the swollen belly. Now I’ve reached a point where it’s been 9 months (wow) and it’s time to birth. It’s time to release what’s been held for so long.

For nine months, my fingers haven’t laid to my keyboard in strokes of lyrical release. For nine months I’ve held onto every feeling and emotion, making myself emotionally unstable and unbalanced, vying and searching for a release when I knew where the release was the entire time. But I’ve shied away from it and stayed away. Not really sure why…I guess afraid to pen my true thoughts and feelings. Afraid of dealing with them myself. So I’ve done like I always do and tucked them away into the secret place that I’ve built as a child. The place that I don’t visit. The place where so many memories are. The place where when I get there I cower in fear because, upon getting there, I’m no longer the bold woman but I’m the shy little girl that was afraid of everything. The little girl that hid behind walls of shame that weren’t my shames to bear. The little girl that felt like protecting everything and never fully protected myself. Even thinking about those walls now makes me want to cry. Not sure what happened and why I allowed that to happen for so long. Longing for someone to rescue me from the woes of my own. Not realizing until recently that no person can rescue me from me. That I had to open myself up and give to the Lord those things that I feared. But I’ve taken back the things that I’ve layed on the altar for the last 9 months and they have built back up again. Now it’s time to release again. And I feel the need and desire to release but I‘m not sure how…I feel the need and the urge to write but I don’t know what to write…

Am I Her (Part 2)

They say the thing that doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  Were they really talking about everything, or just those mildly tolerable things that just bother you from time to time?  I feel like I'm spinning in a vortex of hurt.  This thing feels as though it is really going to kill me eventually.  The only thing it's made me is numb to everything.  I've...I hate to see this but...I've become "her".  You know, after my friend left from visiting me, I had some time to think (well...I guess I didn't have anything but time...look where I am).   I know that the last time I wrote, I didn't know why I was holding on, but now I know...it's not me or him.  I'm not even the one holding on anymore.  I'm being held captive.  So the question now becomes, how do I break out from behind these bars.  It’s only so much TV to watch and so much weight to push.  And then on top of that, I'm not even a part of the general population.  I'm in solitary confinement, isolation, the doggone hole.  And it's driving me crazy already.  It's nothing but a box and a fricken window.  I mean, a window??  Why a window?  Why torment me with a glimpse of outside.  A window to do nothing but look at me, and taunt me.  Showing me what I can't have.  The only reason they put me in here is because I tried to break.  I was almost there man...almost there...I just needed one more week to dig and I woulda been free.  Not even a full 7 days, just a measly 5, man.  But of all people, the warden caught me and tried to trump up my charges.  They are trying to keep me in here for life.  Man, HOW THE HECK DO I GET UP OUTTA HERE.  The warden already told me that he's not gonna let me go.  He's gonna keep me here until I die.  Knowing that I refuse to kill myself.  He has my heart locked in a combination locked box on his desk.  It's still beating, I can feel it, but I can also feel that the beat is starting to fade.  I don't wanna die in this thing.  I really don't.  He does whatever but I'm expected to obey.  I'm expected to be subject.  Saying apologies that I don't mean.  Yeah, I'm sorry I did it but only because nothin came of it.  So what kinda apology is that????  I mean for real?  It's nothing but a maintaining of peace.  There is "peace" in the situation but there's no peace in me...I'm still raking my cup across the bars.  I'm still looking out at my one single window.  Wishing, longing for someone to come and set me free.  Will that someone be you?          

These Hands

The heart is a weapon when used incorrectly. My soul has been bruised by my own hands. I've beat it and starved it Made it feel like as though it was worthless for allowing me to hurt so long. I fought it like a man that was trying to hurt me, not realizing it was the best one for me. It desired the best for me and every time it spoke, I shut it down. What it said was worthless because it wasn't what I wanted to hear.

Untitled - This is going to be a progressive series

Just when I thought it was over, I've found that it's only just begun. What once was an end, is merely the possbile beginning. Now the twins of my emotions are everywhere. One twin says "go for it. go all in!", while the more rational one is warning me to "be easy, take it slow". The strength of my indecision is in the distance of the seas. But soon I'll be face-to-face with the one that was supposed to be.