Am I Her (Part 2)

They say the thing that doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  Were they really talking about everything, or just those mildly tolerable things that just bother you from time to time?  I feel like I'm spinning in a vortex of hurt.  This thing feels as though it is really going to kill me eventually.  The only thing it's made me is numb to everything.  I've...I hate to see this but...I've become "her".  You know, after my friend left from visiting me, I had some time to think (well...I guess I didn't have anything but time...look where I am).   I know that the last time I wrote, I didn't know why I was holding on, but now I know...it's not me or him.  I'm not even the one holding on anymore.  I'm being held captive.  So the question now becomes, how do I break out from behind these bars.  It’s only so much TV to watch and so much weight to push.  And then on top of that, I'm not even a part of the general population.  I'm in solitary confinement, isolation, the doggone hole.  And it's driving me crazy already.  It's nothing but a box and a fricken window.  I mean, a window??  Why a window?  Why torment me with a glimpse of outside.  A window to do nothing but look at me, and taunt me.  Showing me what I can't have.  The only reason they put me in here is because I tried to break.  I was almost there man...almost there...I just needed one more week to dig and I woulda been free.  Not even a full 7 days, just a measly 5, man.  But of all people, the warden caught me and tried to trump up my charges.  They are trying to keep me in here for life.  Man, HOW THE HECK DO I GET UP OUTTA HERE.  The warden already told me that he's not gonna let me go.  He's gonna keep me here until I die.  Knowing that I refuse to kill myself.  He has my heart locked in a combination locked box on his desk.  It's still beating, I can feel it, but I can also feel that the beat is starting to fade.  I don't wanna die in this thing.  I really don't.  He does whatever but I'm expected to obey.  I'm expected to be subject.  Saying apologies that I don't mean.  Yeah, I'm sorry I did it but only because nothin came of it.  So what kinda apology is that????  I mean for real?  It's nothing but a maintaining of peace.  There is "peace" in the situation but there's no peace in me...I'm still raking my cup across the bars.  I'm still looking out at my one single window.  Wishing, longing for someone to come and set me free.  Will that someone be you?