For nine months, my fingers haven’t laid to my keyboard in strokes of lyrical release. For nine months I’ve held onto every feeling and emotion, making myself emotionally unstable and unbalanced, vying and searching for a release when I knew where the release was the entire time. But I’ve shied away from it and stayed away. Not really sure why…I guess afraid to pen my true thoughts and feelings. Afraid of dealing with them myself. So I’ve done like I always do and tucked them away into the secret place that I’ve built as a child. The place that I don’t visit. The place where so many memories are. The place where when I get there I cower in fear because, upon getting there, I’m no longer the bold woman but I’m the shy little girl that was afraid of everything. The little girl that hid behind walls of shame that weren’t my shames to bear. The little girl that felt like protecting everything and never fully protected myself. Even thinking about those walls now makes me want to cry. Not sure what happened and why I allowed that to happen for so long. Longing for someone to rescue me from the woes of my own. Not realizing until recently that no person can rescue me from me. That I had to open myself up and give to the Lord those things that I feared. But I’ve taken back the things that I’ve layed on the altar for the last 9 months and they have built back up again. Now it’s time to release again. And I feel the need and desire to release but I‘m not sure how…I feel the need and the urge to write but I don’t know what to write…
Monday, January 30, 2012
They say the thing that doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Were they really talking about everything, or just those mildly tolerable things that just bother you from time to time? I feel like I'm spinning in a vortex of hurt. This thing feels as though it is really going to kill me eventually. The only thing it's made me is numb to everything. I've...I hate to see this but...I've become "her". You know, after my friend left from visiting me, I had some time to think (well...I guess I didn't have anything but time...look where I am). I know that the last time I wrote, I didn't know why I was holding on, but now I know...it's not me or him. I'm not even the one holding on anymore. I'm being held captive. So the question now becomes, how do I break out from behind these bars. It’s only so much TV to watch and so much weight to push. And then on top of that, I'm not even a part of the general population. I'm in solitary confinement, isolation, the doggone hole. And it's driving me crazy already. It's nothing but a box and a fricken window. I mean, a window?? Why a window? Why torment me with a glimpse of outside. A window to do nothing but look at me, and taunt me. Showing me what I can't have. The only reason they put me in here is because I tried to break. I was almost there man...almost there...I just needed one more week to dig and I woulda been free. Not even a full 7 days, just a measly 5, man. But of all people, the warden caught me and tried to trump up my charges. They are trying to keep me in here for life. Man, HOW THE HECK DO I GET UP OUTTA HERE. The warden already told me that he's not gonna let me go. He's gonna keep me here until I die. Knowing that I refuse to kill myself. He has my heart locked in a combination locked box on his desk. It's still beating, I can feel it, but I can also feel that the beat is starting to fade. I don't wanna die in this thing. I really don't. He does whatever but I'm expected to obey. I'm expected to be subject. Saying apologies that I don't mean. Yeah, I'm sorry I did it but only because nothin came of it. So what kinda apology is that???? I mean for real? It's nothing but a maintaining of peace. There is "peace" in the situation but there's no peace in me...I'm still raking my cup across the bars. I'm still looking out at my one single window. Wishing, longing for someone to come and set me free. Will that someone be you?
Sunday, January 29, 2012
The heart is a weapon when used incorrectly. My soul has been bruised by my own hands. I've beat it and starved it Made it feel like as though it was worthless for allowing me to hurt so long. I fought it like a man that was trying to hurt me, not realizing it was the best one for me. It desired the best for me and every time it spoke, I shut it down. What it said was worthless because it wasn't what I wanted to hear.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Just when I thought it was over, I've found that it's only just begun. What once was an end, is merely the possbile beginning. Now the twins of my emotions are everywhere. One twin says "go for it. go all in!", while the more rational one is warning me to "be easy, take it slow". The strength of my indecision is in the distance of the seas. But soon I'll be face-to-face with the one that was supposed to be.