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Monday, January 30, 2012

Pregnant (the Prelude to Gemini Battle)

It’s been so long and I’ve become so full. Full of thoughts, emotions, complexities that even I don’t comprehend. I haven’t written since August of 2009. And when I wrote, I wrote with the intent to fully open myself up and allow myself to be what was desired of me to be for that person. But something happened and it was never given. And even that burdens, every time I see it. Knowing what the goal objective was. Now I sit, full, and flooded with my own emotions. I feel as though I’m with child. As time progressed the pregnancy of emotions continued to grow and flourish. Watching it grow as each month goes by. Watching the body of life change for me. Each month showing more and more. And every time I look at that piece I feed the baby. Every time I think about it I emotionally rub the swollen belly. Now I’ve reached a point where it’s been 9 months (wow) and it’s time to birth. It’s time to release what’s been held for so long.

For nine months, my fingers haven’t laid to my keyboard in strokes of lyrical release. For nine months I’ve held onto every feeling and emotion, making myself emotionally unstable and unbalanced, vying and searching for a release when I knew where the release was the entire time. But I’ve shied away from it and stayed away. Not really sure why…I guess afraid to pen my true thoughts and feelings. Afraid of dealing with them myself. So I’ve done like I always do and tucked them away into the secret place that I’ve built as a child. The place that I don’t visit. The place where so many memories are. The place where when I get there I cower in fear because, upon getting there, I’m no longer the bold woman but I’m the shy little girl that was afraid of everything. The little girl that hid behind walls of shame that weren’t my shames to bear. The little girl that felt like protecting everything and never fully protected myself. Even thinking about those walls now makes me want to cry. Not sure what happened and why I allowed that to happen for so long. Longing for someone to rescue me from the woes of my own. Not realizing until recently that no person can rescue me from me. That I had to open myself up and give to the Lord those things that I feared. But I’ve taken back the things that I’ve layed on the altar for the last 9 months and they have built back up again. Now it’s time to release again. And I feel the need and desire to release but I‘m not sure how…I feel the need and the urge to write but I don’t know what to write…

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