Swinging, kicking, fighting for a way out. Away from my own hurts and fears. Away from my own insecurities. Trying to break out of the barrier that I created around myself. I’ve done such a good job of building it to keep people out that I’ve barricaded myself inside. So now comes another battle, but this isn’t with other people, this battle is within me. One portion of me is fighting to get out and the other is fighting just as hard to stay in. For she’s terrified. Scared of the outside world. Scared of allowing them to see her for who she truly is. For she isn’t nearly as strong as I am. She’s still shy, she’s still quiet…watching and observing. And she looks at me like I’m the crazy one for trying to get out. But we have to be strong for my children I tell her as I try to pull her out. But what if they find out she tells me as she tries to pull me back in. So the Gemini Battle continues.
I feel like I’m running around in a maze that I created. Hall after hall of doors. Mirrors that look like windows. Paintings that look like maps. I’m trying to find a way out, but all I keep finding are trap doors and dead ends. As soon as I feel like I’ve gotten somewhere, I find that I’m still stuck. So I’m stuck inside screaming and crying for someone to hear me. Someone to get me out of this hell hole of me. Praying, Lord help me get outta here. I’m being held hostage by this bad dream. I’m held by this person that looks like me. I swear she looks like me, but I almost don’t recognize her. She looks like…Then He says She is you, but she’s a you that you so far back into the memories of your childhood that you forgot that she was there. But she’s been working through your hands ever since…She’s the you that was terrified of everyone that came into her life. Afraid that when they approached the circle that she worked so hard to protect that when they entered they would tear apart what was already ripped to shreds.
So I see her now and I almost don’t believe it. So I stop crying long enough to watch her. And she keeps walking around…pacing back and forth and mumbling to herself…trying to pick up pieces of something and gathering them close to her, trying to put them back together…saying to herself that I can’t let anyone in. Can’t let anyone get too close. If they get too close, then they know too much and then they’ll hurt us like the others did. I have to hold it together. I can’t cry, I can’t cry…no tears…gotta be a big girl, I gotta be a big girl and take care of…NO I CAN’T! She yells as she walks faster and harder with tears in her eyes. And as the tears fall she can’t see that she’s dropping everything out of her hands. She tries to wipe the tears away and pick up the things that she’s dropped. But she’s trying to wipe away everything that caused the tears along with it. She’s holding onto the pieces of things from a childhood that she doesn’t have to live anymore. Hiding from eyes that can’t see her anymore. Words that can’t hurt her anymore. Words that can’t even be heard anymore but from inside her own thoughts. Thoughts that have been tucked away for entirely too long. Things that have been put back so far…just to shut them up and shut them out.
Lord I wanna get out, I say to myself. I want out of this. How do I get out? How do I break free? Am I still her? Am I still on the inside of that one sided door? And if I am, how do I get someone to get me out? How do I get this girl to see me? How do I get her to see that she has to come with me so she can see that she can be ok? That she can live her life and succeed. How do I get her to feel the release that comes from outside of these walls?
And the Lord says, you allow her to see, by showing her through your eyes. For she is you. She is the you that you never let go of. And now is the time to let her go. You can’t move forward trying to pull her along. She won’t go on her own. She can’t go on her own. You have to go for her. Let her go, and go for her.