Thursday, January 27, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
You’ve been my love and the item of my despise. My brown sugar, my hip hop and at one point just “some nigga”. But the one thing that has remained the same is you have always been my muse. Some of my best writing has been because of you. Some of which you have read, some of which you aren‘t even aware of. But overall some of my best. I’ve laughed over my writing and I’ve cried over my writing. Allowing my tears to mend the hurt of my broken heart that you‘ve caused. From An Ode to Hip Hop to I Let Me Down and all of the pieces in between. Your love has held my hand through some of the most trying times in my life. I’ve had to force myself to get over you but in that I find, I let go of my artistic muse. So now I find myself in a dilemma…Do I hold onto the love and continue to be hurt to maintain my muse or do I give it all up and be free of it all…but love everything..
What do you do when you’ve met him…him as in that guy. The one that makes your world stand still when they walk in the room. The one that when he smiles, melts every worry and concern about anything you’ve ever had or could ever have. Who, when he hugs and kisses you, mends your heart to his…what do you do? I’m finding that it’s hard to guard myself with him. I want to just give everything over and say baby it’s yours. When we met, I knew that there was something different about him. I knew that I wanted to be with him. But at the time, I was dealing with so much and figured it was a crush or a phase that would progress on like many others. Now, that time has spun full circle, I find myself, again, longing to be with him but more than ever. I long to be in his presence, in his aura. Because in it I find comfort…I find peace…I find me. As little girls we think of these elaborate ideas and concepts of this Prince Charming that would come and sweep us off our feet and carry us away to our fairy tale ending. He had to be tall, built a certain way with a certain complexion and hair texture and perfect features. Mine was built like a warrior, but a prince at the same time. He had the strength but the class and charm at the same time. As I got older my list got a little more realistic. But even in that, there were some fairy tale things that I couldn’t bare to let go of. Some things that would allow me to know that this thing was meant for me and that my desire was heard. So I wrote it and took out so much and added some things here and there. Made some optional things imperative, and some older imperative things more optional. And then he was complete. Everything that I had envisioned was on paper in detail. But being a young teen at the time, I didn’t think to realize that such a man was virtually impossible. Even with all of the changes and all of the downscaling on some things. From that point came the trials and errors of dating, which resulted in more heart ache and break than, I still believe, one should ever have to feel in a lifetime. Nights spent crying and days spent wishing that things were different. Saying, “Lord, why does this thing hurt so much every time?” After experiencing so much, I figured I’d take it upon myself to “protect” myself. Putting up walls, dams, and trap doors at every available entrance to my heart. Refusing to let anyone completely in anymore because it just hurt too much. Then this guy walks into my life at the most turbulent time and with one smile, brought peace to the seas of my fears. He brought a smile to a face that hadn’t seen a genuine smile in years. He brought a strange yet familiar feeling to a heart that felt like it could never love again. But because of my insecurities, I pushed him away for 2 years…thinking that he would just go and find someone that was better than me. I didn’t like me, so how could he really like me? I pushed him away to find someone that can love him like I felt he deserved and needed to be. Someone that can love him better than me. And at the same time, keeping him from me because he just seemed “too good to be true” and there was no way that he could be that genuine. But even when he pulled back some he refused to completely let go. Even when he was gone physically, he was always with me emotionally. In his fighting to have me, I didn’t tell him but I never let him go either…I knew that regardless I didn’t want to lose out on him. I knew that there was something that was drawing me to him but I didn’t know just what it was. I just couldn’t put my finger on it. Then one night as we were talking it hit me…I loved him. And not only did I love him, but he exhibited some of the more odd characteristics that I never knew that I’d be able to find in a guy. Things that aren’t common but at the same time beyond desirable…he was that guy. The one that I’d written about so long ago. So, the question is what do I do with it now??? I never thought I would meet him. Never thought I would meet the guy that would change my entire outlook on love. So I never planned on what to do when I met him. I never planned on allowing myself to be that kind of open again. So what do I do? Do I open up completely? Can he handle what’s inside of me? Can I handle what’s inside of me? Things that have been locked away for so long…Things that I’ve tucked so far back that I don’t even know where they are anymore. I’m going to give it a full try. I’m filling up the dams and closing off the trap doors. It’s time to lower the bridge and allow someone to finally come in. He’s put me in a place where I’m afraid to say that I have been swept off of my feet and I haven’t come back down yet…
He fell in love with me years ago. Time that seemed like a lifetime ago. So since that time has passed, it seems like only appropriate to ask: Can you handle ME. So much about me has changes and before anything can progress I need to know. Because I'm not sure if I'm the one he fell in love with. The girl he fell in love with was just that...a girl. She was insecure, broken, naive, yet hurting from the events of life. She didn't love or even like herself. She would often look in the mirror in disgust. But she was afraid to leave him because he cared about and loved her. She was afraid that she'd never feel that love again. She didn't know what he wanted out of life. She didn't know what she wanted for herself other than she wanted and needed to be loved. She needed to be needed. And in that time and desire, he found her. In that pivotal point in life he loved her. So he kept her and was able to penetrate some of the walls and layers she put up. She wouldn't let him completely though. But in that time, he helped increase her confidence, and made her feel like something. But of course there were some things in her that he couldn't fix. Things he couldn't heal. But in that time apart, she has been fixed and she is being healed. And in that time she became me. She became a woman. She became a mother. One who is discovering her purpose with the knowledge that I have one. One who has confidence. One who refuses to have anything less than what God has for me. One who's quickness at the mouth isn't to hide the hurt anymore. But to let it be known where I stand. One who can say "NO" and mean it, but can also say "YES". So once again I ask...Can you handle ME?
“Her who?” you ask…
You know who I’m talkin bout! Ole’ girl. You know who she is. Remember the one we used to talk about all the time. That dumb chick?...Yeah, you know how I mean now. I remember laughin at all that stupid ish she used to put up with. I was sittin there sayin I wish my man would!, I would leave him in a second. But yet I find myself still there. Still bein accused, still unhappy, still bein cheated on, lied to, still the one left cryin. I never thought I’d be her. I just knew I was better than that. But I still gotta walk around and play dumb and pretend to smile when my insides are bein ripped in half. I don’t even know who I am anymore. He keeps tellin me I can leave when I’m ready…but yeah right…in that same voice and tone makes me out to be the bad guy when I think about it. Makes me feel like my life’s success and prosperity is tied to this ish. So I sit and try not to let it get to me and pretend to know nothing. My heart aches for release but I love him so. A part of me doesn’t want to go. I need him, I want him, I still trust him to tell me the truth. I have become that dumb broad. Got guys lookin me down left and right, knowin they can do me better but I still say “nah I’m cool”. I feel like a prisoner. Trapped in the cell of my heart. Rakin the cup back and forth across the bars, waitin til the day they can tell me I’m free to go. But I’m like them 25 to lifers. I been in so long I don’t know nothin else. So I really don’t know if I wanna be free. So what do I do…keep bench pressin and liftin weights tryin to let the time pass while I decide what I wanna do. Girl, what do I do??? WHAT YOU MEAN YOU DON’T KNOW!!! YOU SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO HELP ME!...YOU AIN’T GOOD FOR…yo man, I’m so sorry, it the stress of my sentence gettin to me. I still can’t believe I let it happen.
How and when did it happen? I don’t know either. My parole hearing is comin up, so I gotta make up my mind. Do I want out? Why? Do I wanna stay?? And if I stay, is it for me, or for him? Or is it for…? I don’t know. I’m sicka cryin over nothin. This mornin was the last straw. I sat there in my cell, lookin out the window and I couldn’t stop the tears from flowin. And I couldn’t stop it or explain it. I don’t even know where to begin. The beginning you say? Where is the beginning? The beginning or the “beginning” beginning? There is a difference, or so I’m told. Man, I gotta find out what the doggone beginning is before I can start there.
That’s when she said she had to go. The buzzer buzzed and my one visitor came to see me. Now I’m back to my cell…back to the confines of my heart…with nothing left to do but sit and wait for my hearing. DAMN!!
Swinging, kicking, fighting for a way out. Away from my own hurts and fears. Away from my own insecurities. Trying to break out of the barrier that I created around myself. I’ve done such a good job of building it to keep people out that I’ve barricaded myself inside. So now comes another battle, but this isn’t with other people, this battle is within me. One portion of me is fighting to get out and the other is fighting just as hard to stay in. For she’s terrified. Scared of the outside world. Scared of allowing them to see her for who she truly is. For she isn’t nearly as strong as I am. She’s still shy, she’s still quiet…watching and observing. And she looks at me like I’m the crazy one for trying to get out. But we have to be strong for my children I tell her as I try to pull her out. But what if they find out she tells me as she tries to pull me back in. So the Gemini Battle continues.
I feel like I’m running around in a maze that I created. Hall after hall of doors. Mirrors that look like windows. Paintings that look like maps. I’m trying to find a way out, but all I keep finding are trap doors and dead ends. As soon as I feel like I’ve gotten somewhere, I find that I’m still stuck. So I’m stuck inside screaming and crying for someone to hear me. Someone to get me out of this hell hole of me. Praying, Lord help me get outta here. I’m being held hostage by this bad dream. I’m held by this person that looks like me. I swear she looks like me, but I almost don’t recognize her. She looks like…Then He says She is you, but she’s a you that you so far back into the memories of your childhood that you forgot that she was there. But she’s been working through your hands ever since…She’s the you that was terrified of everyone that came into her life. Afraid that when they approached the circle that she worked so hard to protect that when they entered they would tear apart what was already ripped to shreds.
So I see her now and I almost don’t believe it. So I stop crying long enough to watch her. And she keeps walking around…pacing back and forth and mumbling to herself…trying to pick up pieces of something and gathering them close to her, trying to put them back together…saying to herself that I can’t let anyone in. Can’t let anyone get too close. If they get too close, then they know too much and then they’ll hurt us like the others did. I have to hold it together. I can’t cry, I can’t cry…no tears…gotta be a big girl, I gotta be a big girl and take care of…NO I CAN’T! She yells as she walks faster and harder with tears in her eyes. And as the tears fall she can’t see that she’s dropping everything out of her hands. She tries to wipe the tears away and pick up the things that she’s dropped. But she’s trying to wipe away everything that caused the tears along with it. She’s holding onto the pieces of things from a childhood that she doesn’t have to live anymore. Hiding from eyes that can’t see her anymore. Words that can’t hurt her anymore. Words that can’t even be heard anymore but from inside her own thoughts. Thoughts that have been tucked away for entirely too long. Things that have been put back so far…just to shut them up and shut them out.
Lord I wanna get out, I say to myself. I want out of this. How do I get out? How do I break free? Am I still her? Am I still on the inside of that one sided door? And if I am, how do I get someone to get me out? How do I get this girl to see me? How do I get her to see that she has to come with me so she can see that she can be ok? That she can live her life and succeed. How do I get her to feel the release that comes from outside of these walls?
And the Lord says, you allow her to see, by showing her through your eyes. For she is you. She is the you that you never let go of. And now is the time to let her go. You can’t move forward trying to pull her along. She won’t go on her own. She can’t go on her own. You have to go for her. Let her go, and go for her.