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Tuesday, November 24, 2015

I Let Me Down (Written in 2009)

It is often said that everyone plays the fool a time or two in life, but what if you are always playing the fool. It seems like everyday is spent as the outsider and dummy of the group. “Why am I the one always getting hurt?”, “What is it about me that attract people that I allow to hurt me?” “Why do I fall for it every time?” These are questions that are often asked in that type of situation. And it’s all because of the one emotion that plagues mankind more so than any infectious disease: love.

It seems so simple in the storybooks-boy meets girl, girl meets boy, and they fall in love and live happily ever after. That is how it’s supposed, or so I thought. If I would have known then what I knew now, I think I would have saved myself a lot of heartache.

You don’t want much out of it, just some reciprocity, but I guess even to some people that seems to be too much to ask. And in your mind, you know the reality of how the story ends, but your heart is another story. It longs for the storybook ending at every available opportunity. No matter what the logics of the mind say. That is how a heartbreak occurs. When one person is stuck on a thing and they are determined to prove other people wrong and at times prove themselves wrong and then they are let down by the very thing that they are fighting for.

As an adult, you wish on a star for that one thing that you think would satisfy you in life; even though you think in your head “Yeah right, like a star can grant me that!” But somewhere deep in the crevices of your soul, you think “maybe this time, it just might work, maybe this time it will be different.” Other than that you wouldn’t have tried to wish it. And whether you care to admit it openly, you can’t help but to be a little disappointed when it doesn’t happen.

That is how children stop believing in Santa Claus for Christmas. They ask for one simple (to them that is) thing every year. And they get everything else that they ask for but that one thing. That one thing that would make it the best Christmas ever to them. The sting of disappointment every year is enough to make them stop believing in the magic that the holiday season is supposed to bring.

That is how I feel now. I’m not hurt, but I am disappointed. More so at myself than anything or anyone else. I knew better in my head but I allowed emotions to take over and get the best of me. And now, once again, I’m the one with the gaping hole in the middle of my chest that used to be filled with something that I thought was the greatest thing on this natural earth. No matter how or why it ends, it always ends. And I’m the puppy that is left going home to lick her wounds after the fight that should have never been.

The world of hip hop has let me down again. Hopefully for the last time. I need to take a break from it all and I’m not sure if I’ll be able to return to it the way that I used to. It has become the very thing that it has tried to hard to protest against musically. It has sold out to the main stream and didn’t even realize it. And I was so busy listening and thinking of my own songs that I’m ashamed to say that I didn’t realize it either. Until now that is. My eyes have been opened and now I see the truth. I have been forced into the realization that Slick Rick and Doug E. Fresh are no longer in the game. They have been replaced with watered downed renditions of emcees. And I am left with that and not by choice.

My love for hip hop has been tainted. A love that was once so pure and innocent is now slowly becoming non-existent. Which is not necessarily a bad thing I’m coming to realize.

What once was, is no more.

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