Him

What do you do when you’ve met him…him as in that guy. The one that makes your world stand still when they walk in the room. The one that when he smiles, melts every worry and concern about anything you’ve ever had or could ever have. Who, when he hugs and kisses you, mends your heart to his…what do you do? I’m finding that it’s hard to guard myself with him. I want to just give everything over and say baby it’s yours. When we met, I knew that there was something different about him. I knew that I wanted to be with him. But at the time, I was dealing with so much and figured it was a crush or a phase that would progress on like many others. Now, that time has spun full circle, I find myself, again, longing to be with him but more than ever. I long to be in his presence, in his aura. Because in it I find comfort…I find peace…I find me. As little girls we think of these elaborate ideas and concepts of this Prince Charming that would come and sweep us off our feet and carry us away to our fairy tale ending. He had to be tall, built a certain way with a certain complexion and hair texture and perfect features. Mine was built like a warrior, but a prince at the same time. He had the strength but the class and charm at the same time. As I got older my list got a little more realistic. But even in that, there were some fairy tale things that I couldn’t bare to let go of. Some things that would allow me to know that this thing was meant for me and that my desire was heard. So I wrote it and took out so much and added some things here and there. Made some optional things imperative, and some older imperative things more optional. And then he was complete. Everything that I had envisioned was on paper in detail. But being a young teen at the time, I didn’t think to realize that such a man was virtually impossible. Even with all of the changes and all of the downscaling on some things. From that point came the trials and errors of dating, which resulted in more heart ache and break than, I still believe, one should ever have to feel in a lifetime. Nights spent crying and days spent wishing that things were different. Saying, “Lord, why does this thing hurt so much every time?” After experiencing so much, I figured I’d take it upon myself to “protect” myself. Putting up walls, dams, and trap doors at every available entrance to my heart. Refusing to let anyone completely in anymore because it just hurt too much. Then this guy walks into my life at the most turbulent time and with one smile, brought peace to the seas of my fears. He brought a smile to a face that hadn’t seen a genuine smile in years. He brought a strange yet familiar feeling to a heart that felt like it could never love again. But because of my insecurities, I pushed him away for 2 years…thinking that he would just go and find someone that was better than me. I didn’t like me, so how could he really like me? I pushed him away to find someone that can love him like I felt he deserved and needed to be. Someone that can love him better than me. And at the same time, keeping him from me because he just seemed “too good to be true” and there was no way that he could be that genuine. But even when he pulled back some he refused to completely let go. Even when he was gone physically, he was always with me emotionally. In his fighting to have me, I didn’t tell him but I never let him go either…I knew that regardless I didn’t want to lose out on him. I knew that there was something that was drawing me to him but I didn’t know just what it was. I just couldn’t put my finger on it. Then one night as we were talking it hit me…I loved him. And not only did I love him, but he exhibited some of the more odd characteristics that I never knew that I’d be able to find in a guy. Things that aren’t common but at the same time beyond desirable…he was that guy. The one that I’d written about so long ago. So, the question is what do I do with it now??? I never thought I would meet him. Never thought I would meet the guy that would change my entire outlook on love. So I never planned on what to do when I met him. I never planned on allowing myself to be that kind of open again. So what do I do? Do I open up completely? Can he handle what’s inside of me? Can I handle what’s inside of me? Things that have been locked away for so long…Things that I’ve tucked so far back that I don’t even know where they are anymore. I’m going to give it a full try. I’m filling up the dams and closing off the trap doors. It’s time to lower the bridge and allow someone to finally come in. He’s put me in a place where I’m afraid to say that I have been swept off of my feet and I haven’t come back down yet…