Writer's Block

What do you do when the things that you are able to do, don't work out the way you want them to? The world of design relies and is completely hinged upon the ability to create.  So what does a designer do when the creative doesn't come?

Right now, at this point in time, I'm in that place.  Life issues have caused a creative dam that I'm having the hardest time to overcome at the moment.  I have been blessed with a natural gift for the arts.  Writing, music and design have been my three biggest areas of expression (hence the name "MuziqMami").  All of which hold a substantial weight in my passion; because they all show a different aspect of me.  My mind thinks in images and colors instead of words and phrases.  So those three parts of me allow that expression to flourish.

But as I'm sitting here with my fingers to the keys, my mind thinks of a far off land.  One filled with those bright colors and images swirling around my head and across my eyes an ears.  But they won't leave the world that they are in and convey themselves to my fingers so that I can relay them across the keys.

I desire to be able to let the creative consistently flow freely.  But tonight it just won't come.  Possibly tomorrow, when life things are back in order, I'll be able to express what's inside of me in a ways that's conducive to the art of expression that I so desire. Until then, I'll continue to type and allow what's  in me to try to push itself forward.

Letter of Apreciation

Crying my heart out for a change.  For the opportunity to be filled and to be free.  In all of my years of prayer, I never prayed a prayer as earnest as I did this one.  I said “Lord, they tell me that you have something for me to do and that I have a gift.  So Lord if this thing is really true and You want this thing done, I know that the only way that I am going to live beyond these next few days to get this thing done is for you to send someone to save my life. I believe in Your Word and your love.  But right now, all I feel is darkness and the closing in of the walls that I put around me.  Help me God!”

And in a subtle soft voice, the Lord reminded me of His word. He said “I will give you pastors according to mine heart, which shall feed you with knowledge and understanding”.  "Be patient and trust me,” He said. “For I need you to be right where you are so you can know the fullness of MY restoration. “ 

When I joined this ministry and experienced the Lord for myself, I wanted different for my life from that day forward. My internal belief said that I was scarred for life, but my faith said that I was able to be whole. My faith made me want different. I desired to be something that I'd never knew existed. I wanted and needed to know who I was. Had it not been for faith and this ministry, I would have never taken the time to realize that. I would still be the hollowed out, hardened carcass of a person that I was.

When God places people in your life it’s often not known at that time the specific reason until a later time.  I truly feel as though this is the time in my life that it was meant for.  When you two were placed in my life I was in a place where I felt nothing but pain that I couldn’t explain nor understand.  I just did everything in my power to try to hide it or pretend that it wasn’t there.  But somehow, you unlocked the cry in my soul and not only tamed the beast that was within but also trained her to be not just a woman, but to be a lady, which was not an easy task.  For you are still being challenged by my “intellect” and my desire to mask what is truly inside.  I know I don’t make dealing with me easy.  Although I am still working on me, I still have so much work that needs to be done.  And I appreciate and commend you for not throwing me away, nor allowing me to throw myself away even when I tried.  On more than one occasion.    For the many roles you two have played in my life I thank you.  For the many nights you were up praying for me I thank you.  For the times you spent encouraging me when I was down and pushing me to do and be better, in spite of me, I thank you.  For being who you are both inside and outside the church I love you.  So on this your anniversary I want to commemorate and celebrate the leaders that God has allowed you to be to me.  I love you and appreciate the time, the dedication, the correction and determination to not allow me to quit. Happy Anniversary

 

 

Love Unconditional

Very seldom does one come across a love that transcends time. A love that makes every day of life worth living just that much more and yet causes a standstill every time it's voice is heard.  I met this love once before; met it in the oddest of places. It wasn't that ordinary love: you know the one that last but eventually runs cold like the end of a bright candlestick. It was ironic love that was dreamed of as a little girl.

I remember thinking to myself, there's no way this can be genuine, but time has proven again and again, and is continuing to prove it to be just as genuine as I've imagined.  The drawing power of this love has kept me coming back in a way that I can't describe. The metaphor of a moth to a flame has nothing on the pull that this love and I share. 

Verbally never spoken, but the feeling very much understood. This love is something amazing.  It consumes my thoughts, feelings, and emotions; right down to the very core of my being.  It shatters any doubts or insecurities that I could ever have, for I know that if I have no other love in life, that this love that I now have, will always be a part of me.

I miss...

Your smile, your touch, your hugs, and your kiss...the look in your eye when you tell me I'm beautiful, and being the one your heart longs for. I miss your passion and your love. The way your fingers graze across the keys ever so lightly when your deep in thought. I miss the good morning text messages and the ones to say good night. How your nostrils flare when your thinking too hard or frustrated. I miss your drive and dedication. I miss fussing about how much you work but inwardly admiring your ethic. I miss sitting up at night on the phone or computer blushing at the way you smile. And waking up the next morning with the biggest smile at the mere thought of your name. I miss the butterflies in my stomach when I know you'll be near and the smile that creeps at the corner of my lips when I hear your name. I miss your strength and the authoritative way you speak. Your encouraging words and you making me go to sleep (lol). I miss the silly conversations that seem to never end, and feeling the nervous excitement like a teenager when your ringtone rings. I miss the talks of the future and all that it would bring. Looking back through the years thinking this man is the answer to my dreams. I miss glancing to my left and seeing you stare back at me. Making my cheeks blush because I know that just for a moment, I'm all that you see.

You Win

You aren't close to me yet, but you've already invaded my personal space. The mere thought of you is with me. And it must be the vividness of my imagination that's playing tricks on me.  Making me want you. The wind blows and I feel the caress of your lips on my neck. I can hear the memory of your voice whispering in my ear. How in the world is this possible? You aren't supposed to have this kind of effect on me...but then again I guess you are. Lord have mercy! What have you done to me sir. Time has brought us closer. No longer do I have the safety of the ocean separating us...your here, we're here, face to face, only minutes apart from one another. You've distracted me from my daily routine, but I love it. I love waking up and smiling at the thought of your thoughts of me. Giddy like a high school girl whose fallen in love for the first time. And yet having the yearning of a woman in need. As much as I shouldn't, I crave you. You've turned that emotional valve on full force and now I can't help myself. I called myself not letting myself go and keepin my cool, but you got me. You got me right where you want me. You win. LOL.

Untitled part 2

As time and space draw closer, my heart grows with anticipation at what the potential outcome will be. Will you take a bow and ask my hand, or will the past rear it's head long enough to deter. It's like I'm straddling a fence trying to decide which side to get down on, but the decision on which side to move isn't mine. I'm waiting on "him" to make his grand entrance back into my life and choose the next course. Never would have imagined to see this day again. I chalked it up to another lesson learned. One of those things that I just "don't talk about" because it still hurts too much. But to see things revolve again and return full circle has me nervous and excited at the same time. Time is the only true storyteller right now. So we shall see...

Pregnant (the Prelude to Gemini Battle)

It’s been so long and I’ve become so full. Full of thoughts, emotions, complexities that even I don’t comprehend. I haven’t written since August of 2009. And when I wrote, I wrote with the intent to fully open myself up and allow myself to be what was desired of me to be for that person. But something happened and it was never given. And even that burdens, every time I see it. Knowing what the goal objective was. Now I sit, full, and flooded with my own emotions. I feel as though I’m with child. As time progressed the pregnancy of emotions continued to grow and flourish. Watching it grow as each month goes by. Watching the body of life change for me. Each month showing more and more. And every time I look at that piece I feed the baby. Every time I think about it I emotionally rub the swollen belly. Now I’ve reached a point where it’s been 9 months (wow) and it’s time to birth. It’s time to release what’s been held for so long.

For nine months, my fingers haven’t laid to my keyboard in strokes of lyrical release. For nine months I’ve held onto every feeling and emotion, making myself emotionally unstable and unbalanced, vying and searching for a release when I knew where the release was the entire time. But I’ve shied away from it and stayed away. Not really sure why…I guess afraid to pen my true thoughts and feelings. Afraid of dealing with them myself. So I’ve done like I always do and tucked them away into the secret place that I’ve built as a child. The place that I don’t visit. The place where so many memories are. The place where when I get there I cower in fear because, upon getting there, I’m no longer the bold woman but I’m the shy little girl that was afraid of everything. The little girl that hid behind walls of shame that weren’t my shames to bear. The little girl that felt like protecting everything and never fully protected myself. Even thinking about those walls now makes me want to cry. Not sure what happened and why I allowed that to happen for so long. Longing for someone to rescue me from the woes of my own. Not realizing until recently that no person can rescue me from me. That I had to open myself up and give to the Lord those things that I feared. But I’ve taken back the things that I’ve layed on the altar for the last 9 months and they have built back up again. Now it’s time to release again. And I feel the need and desire to release but I‘m not sure how…I feel the need and the urge to write but I don’t know what to write…